This time last year I saw 2015 as my healing year, because I knew what was ahead, and I was right, although I did get a little more than I was expecting. So first let me summarise two expected and two unexpected healings …
The kidney donation was textbook in the end – the healing was swift and almost complete. Home the next day, the pain subsided in just a few days, my strength returned pretty quickly, and I did Parkrun three weeks later. The numb hip and leg is very slowly improving, but its an irritation more than anything else. There is some, erm, tidying up to do, still – I don’t think whoever finished off was ever a tailor in a previous life, shall we say. Unfortunately my appointment about that was cancelled, and hasn’t been rescheduled yet. The best bit of all, though, was getting a letter from the recipient – I shall treasure that for the rest of my life, what a privilege that was.
The injury after my cycle accident taught me a lot about mental health. It was a strange experience – not being able to speak properly, or remember things, or make decisions, and its made me realise the importance of looking after my mental health as much as my physical health. My functioning has returned to normal now, I think – although I shall be using my head injury to excuse everything I ever forget to do for the next twenty years. My cycling confidence hasn’t returned though, but more of that later.
Knee next – this was the biggie for me this year, because York marathon 2014 was my last marathon, I didn’t cross the line with a smile on my face and it signalled the point at which I accepted that I needed to stop running and get it fixed. So the arthroscopy would reveal what state my knee was in. I was preparing to be told it was riddled with arthritis and my running days were over – the consultant had suggested that at my initial appointment. I was relieved, therefore, to be told by him that I could still run, but his summary of my knee was puzzling. The ligament reconstruction had re-ruptured, apparently, which I don’t understand, because every assessment of the function of the reconstruction has been positive. Also, I’ve had no trauma to the knee that may have caused this. He also said the kneecap was worn, but I don’t know what this means.
So I came home, with a follow up appointment which was subsequently cancelled – there’s a bit of a theme here, isn’t there?! So I still wasn’t sure where that left me, running-wise.
A friend of mine recommended a different physio – ok, he’s a rehabilitation therapist to be precise, but ‘physio’ is much easier to say. And he wins races … so he knows about running. This is where the spark of optimism is kindled. He did all the tests I’ve had many times and told me my VMO was very weak. I had no idea what he meant – for the uninitiated ‘VMO’ is ‘vastus medialis oblique’ and is the teardrop quad on the inside of one’s thigh. I know I’ve said this already on my last blog, but this is important … he explained how the mechanics of that muscle are related to my knee problems and it fitted with the type of pain I’ve been having. So three months on I’ve done lots and lots of strengthening exercises, and been so committed I’ve actually joined a gym.
There’s something unexpected – I’ve enjoyed gym work enough to make that dreaded 12 month commitment. I’ve been here before, twice – and wasted a lot of money, joining gyms and then not going. The difference this time is that I was already committed to the program before I joined. I’ve been using the gym at work, and liking it – I even like the music, sometimes. And I’ve been going since I signed on the dotted line, and actually loving it … I can’t believe I’m writing this, but yes, gyms and me to mix, it seems, after all.
And the tentative healing, then, is that I am running pain-free, only for 20 minutes, mind. Kris says I can run twice a week, for 5 minutes extra each week. Its not a marathon distance, but its wonderful to be out of the house, running again, really great. So am I healed? Can I sign up for umpteen marathons for 2016? Well not yet – the pain would typically kick in around mile 7 on long runs, and I’m way off that yet, so no race entries right now. I will follow Kris’ advice religiously, and see what the next couple of months bring. But running is great, really great.
The other unexpected healing was to do with grief. It been two years since my daughter died, but it has taken this long for the serious case review to be published. It opened wounds and I wasn’t expecting this. I realised that for most of the autumn my wife and I have been retreating into ourselves, cancelling social engagements, and staying in, together, being safe and comforted. I think I needed some of this, partly as this was linked to my recovery from the cycle accident, but partly the grief of facing press interest in our daughter’s story again, but I think partly habit as well.
Everyone’s grief and mental health is different, so this is nothing about anyone else’s story, but I think I had got into a habit of feeling sad, being quiet, retreating from folk. This may be linked with having stopped training as well – doing one-legged squats in an empty school gym is not really going to get the endorphins flowing in quite the same way as a 50 mile cycle ride with a bunch of chatty females will, or tucking into a bacon sandwich after an 18 mile run including Parkrun. I was starting to think that I perhaps needed to make a decision to stop being like this.
The day the local paper published the review’s findings, we’d got tickets to see Sarah Millican, by chance. This was quite the rip-roaring belly busting laugh fest I’d hoped for, but it got us out of the house, and gave us the lift we needed to start picking ourselves up again. And this has continued. Buying a house has helped – the chance to start nesting again, and creating a cosy little pad in new surroundings, to make new memories and new associations. And then the end of term – a break from work – bliss! I can even see how going to the gym is good for my mental health, and I have now learned to look after my mental health as well as my physical fitness. I’m not taking mental health for granted now.
So that completes my year of healing – I’m not saying my grief has gone now, but the cloud has certainly lifted again, and I have a few things to look forward to next year, hopefully. Maybe I’ll realise the importance of cycling for my mental health, and that this will be enough to force me out and get over my fear of group riding. This would be an achievement in itself.
But more importantly, how thrilled would I be to be writing a marathon race report before Christmas 2016? Fingers crossed, eh? Did I mention that running is great?
Happy new year, everyone – I think mine will be … 🙂
Britrisky 